Friday, November 13, 2009

Remember this?


100_5334
Originally uploaded by splashandwally.

And that was on a good day... :(

posted by Estelle @ 11/13/2009 12:22:00 PM

Okay Charlie, which way do you kick it?


Part one
Originally uploaded by splashandwally.

Actually, he's pointing the wrong way... oh well.

posted by Estelle @ 11/13/2009 12:15:00 PM

Saturday, November 07, 2009

I love you, big brother


DSC02965
Originally uploaded by splashandwally.

I caught this totally by accident. I love it!

posted by Estelle @ 11/07/2009 07:46:00 AM

Friday, November 06, 2009

I prefer to discuss these things in person, thankyouverymuch

So, I'm looking for a new primary care doctor. Well, not a NEW PCP, exactly. A PCP in general. I haven't had one in... well, I'm trying to be better about these things.
 
So, I get on my trusty insurance website to find an INN provider (which really doesn't matter, since the benefits are identical), that is a general or family practice provider, and start calling around. Remember, I'm searching for general practice. This becomes important later in our tale. I really prefer to see an ARNP over a doctor any day. In fact, I don't think I've seen a doctor for general stuff in 10+ years. Surgeon, sure, but day to day physicals and what not I always see the NP. So I'm calling, and it's my first question everywhere "Do you have an NP on staff?" A shocking number of clinics said no. Really? Is there an NP shortage somewhere? Why on earth would they not employ NPs? Well, since I'm having NO luck, I figured I'd try some female DOs, that's better than nothing, I guess.
 
So, my first female DO, I call and still ask if they have NPs on staff. It goes as follows.
 
Me- Do you have an NP on staff?
Her, slowly and skeptically and a little bit quiet- Well...Who... are you?
Me, taken aback- Uh, a prospective patient
Her, slowly again- Do you have hemorrhoids?
Me, shocked and a bit baffled- Noo...
Her- We're only accepting patients with hemorrhoids at this time.
Me- Umm... (scrolls to the side of the website, where it does indeed state family practice) isn't she a PCP?
Her- Yes, but she only accepts patients with hemorrhoids.
Me- O-kay then. Well, thanks!
 
Really? WTF? Only accepting patients with hemorrhoids? What does THAT mean? What kind of GP will only see people with hemorrhoids? So, what if I have strep throat, or the flu, of need a chest x-ray? What if I have a lump in my breast, or need antibiotics? She's gonna make me bend over and disrobe every time so she can check my butt?
 
I... I just don't understand.
 

posted by Estelle @ 11/06/2009 04:07:00 PM

Thursday, November 05, 2009

How do children know these things?

Warning- you will cry.

If you don't, you're a savage, heartless beast and I think you are beyond hope.

Notes Left Behind

posted by Estelle @ 11/05/2009 09:11:00 PM

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Naptime


DSC02784
Originally uploaded by splashandwally.

I told Charlie to go get ready for bed. Five minutes later, this is where I found him...

posted by Estelle @ 11/01/2009 10:07:00 PM

Ent he purdy?


Fidget
Originally uploaded by splashandwally.

Le pup

posted by Estelle @ 11/01/2009 09:52:00 PM

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Last night at Target

A 60+ year old woman was behind us in line.

All she bought..

Was a pack of gum,
a bottle of Sunny D,
and a tube of generic KY Jelly.

Girlfriend was gonna get her some minty fresh lovin', that's for sure!

posted by Estelle @ 10/29/2009 09:52:00 PM

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Budding communicator

Sam will not drink from a sip cup. He's been able to work a straw since about 7 months old, and can also drink from a regular cup if we hold it But sip cups, it seems, are beneath him. "Oh mother, do not make me suck that hunk of plastic with Dora on it. It's so childish."
We've tried 'em all. Nuby, Avent, SIGG, Klean Kanteen, Playtex (which seemed to please him for about 6 days), Safe Sippy, Munchkin... just about anything. Nope, no sip cups for Sam. Charlie, at age 4, would love to still use a sip cup (he gets one at bed, otherwise a regular cup or SIGG for him).
So, Sam's liquids primarily come from a bottle. He's not real particular on those, whatever has a nipple and is warm. He's breastfed, never had formula, but he did get BM from a bottle for months before he could coordinate his suck/swallow/breathe thing. Now, it's occasionally BM but mostly Kefir or drinkable yogurt. Or just water. But whatever it is, even water, it must be warm.
He looooves his ba. Loves it. Well, like every baby I imagine.
 
We've recently overhauled our entire house. New furniture, new cabinetry in the kitchen, new fridge (ooohhh). We moved the microwave to a cart, so it's within Sam's reach. We also now have a bottom freezer, so there is a handlebar on it just perfect for him to grab (really, he thinks we got this fridge just for him). What the hell does this have to do with anything, you ask?
 
This morning, Sam was hanging on the freezer bar, banging on the fridge, screaming "ba!" He would then crawl over to the microwave, bang on it, and scream "ma!" Then back to the fridge to repeat the whole scene.
 
And, just like that, Sam learns that he can communicate his needs in words and gestures. And a little dictator is born.

posted by Estelle @ 10/22/2009 09:58:00 AM

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Baby love

Okay, first I was defensive, and then thought some more… does anyone actually believe that I don't love Sam? Really? Surely this is a fluke, and not a widespread thought process.

I've made no secret of the fact that I did not want another child. I also did not want a tempurpedic bed but guess what we sleep on? Also, I'm not fond of living in Florida.

So, we have a second child, and it did take me time to warm up to him. Why, you may wonder?

Because of the idea that I must love my children exactly the same. Because I must pay them the same thoughts, the same feelings, the same everything. Because I must treat them identically at all times, because if I love one like this, I must love the other like this. But then, finally, I realized that is a crock of shit. I do NOT love my children the same because they are NOT the same. They're different people, every atom of their beings. Every cell of their DNA, every hair on their head, every thought they ever have. They are different. They are not equal, they are equivalent. Therefore, I do not love them equally; I love them equivalently. I love them both with every fiber of my being. But that is different.

I have a different bond with Charlie than with Sam, how could I not? I had him for 3+ years more than I have had Sam. I had him alone and never had to place him on the back burner to tend to the more pressing needs of another child. He was the world and never had to share that spotlight. Anyone who says that they have given their second child the exact same everything as the first is lying. It's not possible, unless the first died or moved away before the second was born. Beyond that, Charlie and I share a bond borne of a lot of pain and fear. Thankfully, I have never had to hold Sam down for a doctor to hurt him. I've never had to pray that he would pass out so the pain would be over. I've never spent nights and days and hours in a hospital holding his small body and willing every breath into him, unwilling and unable to sleep myself because of the belief, however flawed, that he only continues to live by my sheer willpower. I've never spent an hour of Sam's life worrying that he would die. And that created a bond with Charlie that can never be replicated.

There were months that I didn't feel bonded with Sam at all. I went through the motions of caring for him. I fed him and changed him and clothed him and rocked him and bathed him and read to him. I correctly installed the best car seat I could buy, I picked up little toys that I thought he would like. I took his pictures and laughed when he did something silly. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. And most of this comes from the idea that I HAD to love him with the EXACT same ferocity and strength and depth and width and height and cubic dimensions as I love Charlie- that if it wasn't the exact same, it was nothing. It was only when I let go of that, when it was pointed out to me that I will never love them the same because they will never be the same, that I began to bond with Sam. And it was then that I realized that he had been mine, and I his, all along. I just didn't know it because I was looking for the devotion that William claims I must have. I don't.

I love Sam just like Sam. I love him for everything he is and will be and isn't and will never be. I love him for his personality and his strengths and weaknesses and everything about him. I don't love him for a single reason I love Charlie, because he's not Charlie. Charlie is so much like me, Sam isn't. Sam is, in every little pore of his body, so much like AJ. Which explains why the two of them are so tight. Charlie is go lucky and slap happy and light hearted. Sam is serious and methodical and yes, a little bit grumpy. They are just different, and I realize and accept and LOVE that about them.

Sam is my son, just the same as Charlie. He deserves everything I can give him, as does Charlie. He deserves to feel welcome in my arms and my heart, and I know that he does. He screams and cries for me every day when I leave, big real tears and calls "mama" until I think my heart will collapse. Charlie, on the other hand, gives me a wave of the hand and goes back to his whatever he's doing. When I get home, Charlie enthusiastically greets me and wants to show me whatever he has done, but it is Sam that almost pulls down my pants trying to climb me, shouting at me to pick him up and burying his head into my neck as soon as he gets there. I don't believe an unloved child is capable of that.

So please, just because I ADMIT that I don't take as many pictures of him, or that he wears mostly hand me downs, or because he got solid food a little earlier than we might have liked, or because he has to be a bit more patient than Charlie was (because, ya know, Charlie was the only kid), don't assume that I don't love him with everything I have and for everything that he is.

I do not, and will not ever, love my children the same. That would mean loving them the way *I* want/need to love them. Instead, I love them custom tailored to their unique individual souls. I love them for the different people they are, which is, I believe, exactly how *they* want/need to be loved.

posted by Estelle @ 10/20/2009 12:00:00 PM